THE RELATION – SHIP

How To Keep From Sinking

Many of us will experience numerous relationships throughout our lifetime. We tend to first learn what we don’t want, what doesn’t work for us in a relationship, then, using that information, discover what does. This is the natural progression of growth: the contrast that is at the heart of our evolution. After all, we wouldn’t know light if we didn’t have the dark to contrast it. For most, however, the negative seems more natural -- much easier to identify -- than the positive.

How we respond to others in all of our relationships is dependent upon our own history. What we witnessed in our parent’s and other influential relationships in our childhood -- as well as the way we were treated -- becomes the way we relate to others; albeit most often much of this remains unconscious to us. We then project onto others whatever resides in our subconscious mind: judging, blaming and criticizing outwardly whatever is beneath the surface. Our intimate relationships give us the clearest window to our beliefs and our view of the world. If we decide to use these relationships for self-growth, we will then see the golden opportunity they present by “shining the light on our dark spots.”

Our relationships with our parents, children and siblings will, in most cases, be life-long adventures: not necessarily so with our spouse, partners or even our friends. We can pretty much count on experiencing a plethora of relationships throughout our lifetime as we evolve. It is natural for us to be attracted to one another and want to have a significant relationship. It is also natural for us to grow and evolve in our consciousness as we mature. Is it reasonable to think that we will always grow at the same rate, be on parallel paths, and continue to be a match to each other? Or could relationships be the master plan, the higher education we attract in order to become more conscious of ourselves, more responsible beings living in a world where change is the only constant we can count on?

So how do we not only survive but in fact thrive in relationship? Detaching from another’s process of growth is a necessity. It is not up to us what any other person is doing, where they are headed, what path they are on. We must remain focused on our own journey and only assist when asked. If a relationship is not supportive, does not contribute to good feelings and the freedom to thrive, then it no longer serves either party to continue. Letting go is sometimes the most loving act; albeit the most difficult.

Anthropologically speaking, it is natural to change partners every seven years: hence the “seven year itch”. How can we continue on our own evolutionary path and still feel secure in our relationship? Security can only come from within. How well we know ourselves before entering into an intimate relationship is paramount to self-responsibility. The ability to recognize our triggers in the throws of an emotional exchange and then respond, rather than react, can help prevent us from being a statistic.

THE RELATION-SHIP

If we go into a relationship with our eyes open to common pitfalls, become conscious of our own projections and develop adequate communication skills, we may find satisfaction and even enlightenment no matter how the other person behaves. All relationships are really about us: providing the fertile ground for growth and the opportunity to see parts of ourselves that would otherwise remain hidden. Recognizing this can help us change deeply rooted patterns and prevent us from repeating them again. Refusal to take responsibility for what another may unwittingly bring up to our surface will ultimately work against us: we may change partners only to discover it feels like the same relationship!

No one can see through our eyes: we have a personal history that only we have truly experienced. We can all strive to listen with compassion, speak with deliberate intention of goodwill and practice non-judgment when relating to others. This is the very foundation that will allow trust, safety and love to blossom. Even if the relationship doesn’t last, the valuable gifts you bring to each other’s lives will continue on!

This article was written by Sara L. Payne, as a patient education resource for The Center For True Harmony Wellness and Medicine. Edited and revised by Sherry VanGoethem, Dr.Christine Brass-Jones OBGYN, and Dr. Denise Quance Grobe N.D. If you have any questions or comments contact the office at (480) 539-6646 or through email at info@trueharmonywellness.com